Killer timeslot: baseball, infomercials or soft porn

Besides smog and hippies, doesn't one of California's bragging rights include beautiful weather? So why the day game hate? Not that I don’t enjoy being able to follow up a Cubs game with an unbelievable offer (assuming I call right now) on "Exercise in a Bottle" or a late-night viewing of "Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle".

Phew. I feel bad for the Giants/Zito situation, I really do. But even with my heart full of pity, I didn't want to be the first team to get beat by Barry at home. And my Cubbies needed this blowout to boost morale. So thanks for taking one for [our] team, Giants.

I don't ever want Rami out of the game but if this is how DeRo plays when filling in for him, I'm sold. Nice defense and went 3-4 including a two-run homer and let me check here…oh yeah, a four-run homer or as you might know it -- . Just so we're all clear, a grand slam almost always automatically makes you… …in my book.

Teddy went from a little rocky in the beginning to really rocking 'til *almost* the end with his *nearly* complete *nearly* shutout game!!!!!

Cubs win! I'm going to bed! (And don't worry ladies, while Aramis is back home for three days I shall find a new man to shamelessly ogle. I'm leaning towards Geo but I'm open to suggestions.)

Still stuck on 49

Ouch. All those taunts we made to White Sox fans last Monday are going to come back to haunt us tomorrow. Let's all call in sick. (Actually I think that works because I’m feeling pretty damn nauseous right now.) Everyone can come to my house and we'll watch last week's series on TiVo. It'll be great.

Rami, Rami, Rami. ESPN has a bigger crush on you than I do. They were just begggging for you to give them a highlight to show over and over. Instead they had to settle for a stalkerly amount of pouty shots of you in the dugout.

Sean Marshall rocks. He is without a doubt… I was really impressed with him tonight. He gave up three runs but went seven great innings. And I don't care if it's White Sox Ace Mark Buehrle or a one-armed Mark Prior, I expect the best offense in the NL to score more than one run.

Where in the hell did they get these umpires? Running the ferris wheel at Navy Pier? I've never seen so many erroneous calls in one game. And who ejects a manager after he's calmed down on his way back into the dugout? Power-tripping former carnies, that's who.

Cardinals announcers should not be allowed to breed: I'm watching the Cards game today and I hear this, "Them White Sox puttin' a hurtin' on those Cubs." So let me get this straight. We get swept by the best team in the AL Central (whom we just swept last weekend) and we are on the receiving end of a "hurtin'" -- .500. You take two games of a series with the worst team in that same division (who just swept you last week) and we're all supposed to be impressed because you went 2-6? Or you managed to make it through the month with no members of your organization checking into the Betty Ford Clinic?

Bottom line, we're beat up. We've got a Dora the Explorer bookbag full of injuries and they're catching up to us. We'll get all patched up though and in the meantime, I offer you this remedy: Fill up the bathtub with the Mr. Bubbles, put on some DMB, dim the lights, light some candles, lay cold cucumber slices on your eyes and melt your Cubby blues away. Or if you're a dude, go get a BJ.

South Side Landfill

Perhaps Waste Management would be a more appropriate sponsor for U.S. Cellular as the refuse was profuse all over the field on game two too. I'm sick of all this South Side trash (and I'm not just talking about the White Sox fans). I'm not a hitter nor have I ever been any sort of athlete in my life (unless you count Mathletes) but I think I might find it more than a little distracting if I'm trying to see the baseball while Beltin' Bill Melton dog wrappers are flying in front of the pitcher. I can't say that D-Lee had a problem with it though, going 5-5 (yes, FIVE FOR FREAKING FIVE) after taking the appropriate antidote to cure his acute double-playitis as…. If only his last hit had been just a smidge more, I might be greeting you with a bounce in my blog.

Things I expect tomorrow evening: ESPN to expose the shocking revelation that the Cubs are going on 100 years without a WS win, Rami to hit three home runs to make up for not hitting any in the past two games, the Riot and his .317 to steal some bases off AJ "I hope my life doesn’t depend on this" Pierzynski, Jermaine "the Tortoise" Dye to get caught stealing, Sean Marshall to fill Big Z's size 23 cleats - AND THE CUBS TO WIN.

So…how's that hand coming along, Fonzy?

Having the day off, I had the encore Cubs/Rockies ultimate comeback game on while I "cleaned" (read: used various Swiffer products). I forgot how dreadful it was until the sixth inning…with the exception of Bob/Victor Newman/Young & the Restless conversation. And by "dreadful" I mean pretty much the way this game felt. Because I had just viewed this past seemingly-impossible win only hours before, the blind optimism was alive and kicking up until the ninth inning. And wouldn't that have made a much better story than "White Sox Finally Win One Against The Cubs Because Of A Whole Bunch Of Crappy Reasons Even Though Contreras Was Still Sucking And We Totally Should Have Rocked Him."

Well Nick Swisher, I hope you enjoyed that grand slam because it cost you. You've officially been kicked off of my very exclusive list of players of non-Cubbies I like: Ken Griffey Jr., Greg Maddux, Manny Ramirez, Sean Casey, Jose Reyes and Nick Swisher. No longer will I giggle at your cute doughnut grease references and CSN commercials. Commit a huge error that results in a large amount of Cubs runs in one of the upcoming games and I will reconsider my position.

Geo… …again saving us from a shutout by finally putting the Cubs on the board in the 5th, went 3-4 today. Fuke and Daryle had multiple hits too, going 2-4. And Fontenot (does this boy love the back-to-back or what?) and Jimmy both had solo homers. Unfortunately that was it.

Demples is still looking for that illusive road win. Maybe Lou wasn't joking when he said they should leave him at home next time? Jon "Face it girls, I'm older and I have more insurance" Lieber again came into an um, unsavory situation and ate up some innings for us and actually looked much better than Contreras did out there.

It's a treat for the eyes and the ears: I haven't mentioned it yet because quite frankly, I'm still laughing too hard to dissect it but if you haven't seen Ozzie and Lou's rapping commercial then you are truly missing out. Luckily some little fiend uploaded it on YouTube, enjoy…and it might help to follow along with the transcript.

Oz: I'm a South Side guy!
Lou: I know, I can tell.
Oz: What's that mean? You can go to hell.
Lou: We play day ball at Addison and Clark.
Oz: At 35th and Shields, we ballin' after dark!
Lou: Sparks will fly from our Cubby bats.
Oz: You remind me of Minnesota Fats!
Lou: I'm a North Side guy!
Oz: I know, I can tell.
Lou: At least I ain't trapped in no South Side Cell!
Oz: Black and blue, that's what you're gonna be!
Lou: Oh yeah? It's the Crosstown Rivalry!

Happy (?) Birthday to Daryle Ward and Jim Edmonds! Hopefully the team will chip in and get you both a belated win tomorrow.

I hate all teams with bird names

Farewell Orioles, we hardly knew ye. Ye can go eff ye-self.

I really don't have much to say about this game except yeeeesh and I knew that intentional walk was going to cost us. I did not, however, anticipate it leading into a five-run inning and ultimately a home (!!!) loss of 11-4. Bright Side: Cardinals lost too so we keep our 4.5 lead. And the last time we were spanked by a formerly crappy team in the AL East, we came back with a White Sox sweep. And thanks to Hank White… …kicking things off and batting in that first run, we escaped a very embarrassing shutout loss.

Dark Side: We're still continuing to drop like flies. Scott Eyre left the game with reported pain radiating around his special place.

So we met face-to-face with Brian Roberts, who was thisclose to becoming our second baseman…or so the trade rumors blabbed for months. (If you're not familiar with him, he's the Oriole with the giant head and tiny testicles.) Brian pulled the ol' see-what-you-missed-out-on schtick going 6-14 against our boys. So what if he can steal a few bases? Does he have a blog? Can he play virtually any position in baseball, football and probably korfball? Is he from Jersey? Can he pull off a ten o'clock shadow?

Tomorrow: Other half of the Crosstown Classic. Unfortunately, this one's at the Cell. It's kind of like when a big movie comes out (Indy?) that you're dying to see and you can either go see it right away in the awesome theater that's a little pricey but the view is better, the food rocks and the atmosphere is unbeatable. Or…you can wait until it comes to the seedy theater which is a little cheaper and easier to get tickets to but you'll risk a staph infection and have to sit next to someone with meth mouth.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Third Baseman

Baseball's sexiest player turned 30 today (and I'm not talking to you Luke Scott, although I'm sure somewhere you have a blogger that thinks you are yummy) going 2-5... …but without a homer, unlike on my bday which I'm still psyched about. (Can I say psyched? Do the kids still say that?)

Good eye(s), good eyes(s): Jimmy -- who still continues to make the Padres and Cards snack on some delicious crow casserole -- took three walks tonight, while Soto and De-Ro had two and Patterson (Pattycakes?), Riot, D-Lee all took one. And this is without the patient examples being set by Fuke, who was out with some calf pain.

Yikes. I almost felt bad for the Orioles bullpen today. Almost. But who cares about their pitchers? Let's talk about ours. Even with the strong winds, Fly-Ball Teddy had a great seven-inning outing, Jay Payton notwithstanding. The Marmolade looked to be back to the recipe we're all used to. And Woody? AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME.

Ted Lilly was 2-4. No, for real.

I'm making Geo……and not as much for his two hits and three ribbies but for ruffling some feathers in the Loo: Tony "No DHs or DDs for Me" LaRussa - instead of being ecstatic that his team isn't grazing along the bottom of the NL Central standings where they totally should be - is spending his time whining about the All-Star voting and using Yadier Molina v. Geo Soto as his lead argument. This is awkward. You really want to go with Yadi on that one, Boozy? I mean he's a nice kid and all but you honestly think he should be the 1 or 2 catcher on the All-Star team? This claim might have some resonance if you were talking about the Dodgers' Russell Martin, who for a reason I can't fathom is actually below Molina(s). My guess is ol' Tony Baloney knows the Cubbies are going to the World Series and just wants to eff up our home field advantage. Hopefully much like Opening Day, the St. Louis fans won't bother with this either.

Cubs Win! The streak starts again!

This is what happens when you let country music into Wrigley

The music of pain. Depressing, drunken crooning about breaking up with your girl, the death of your dog or the end of a 14-game winning streak. Don't get me wrong, I've karaoked "Friends in Low Places" with the best of 'em but I find it a little fishy that our stretch ended with a twang of the banjo.

Seriously though, they went down fighting -- or in a familiar fashion of the bases loaded (!) no outs (!!)…and no runs produced ($@#!) from such. At least I'm so wound that I won't be able to sleep for a good three hours. I've been meaning to catch up with OliverBot.

But how about Jimmy… …who totally put the Cubs and the fans back in this game and had me convinced we were going to be hearing Steve Goodman once again.

*Sigh* I'm going to level with you, I'm devastated. I don't think we should have lost this one. I'm agonizing over a particular dropped fly and blown chances at the plate. I really wanted to keep the amazing streak going at home. I was beginning to think we really were unbeatable at Wrigley. I was already picturing the headlines of this comeback win in my head. But here I sit trying to rationalize (not my strong suit) that we are still the best team in baseball with a home record of 32-9. Not to go all Suzy Sunshine on you but I'll take that any day over a fun winning streak at Wrigley. Go Cubs Go!

Well Ozzie, you're right about one thing...

We did kick your ass.

Demp took the mound tonight, which means my only concern while watching this game was whether those new bat-shaped Reeses will give me more chocolatey peanut-buttery goodness than the regular cups. (I'm going to guess the battyness ends up cheating.)

I hope Javier Vázquez doesn't have to go on the DL after the risky procedure of removing his foot from his mouth…as before the game he dismissed our studly lineup with this:

“You should go to the American League and you’ll see more potent lineups.”

Maybe if you'd throw a strike once in a while we could show you how "potent" we are. Then let me introduce you to Mr. Aramis Ramírez, who now has more home runs against your team than any other player -- including those in your self-proclaimed superior American League.

And while I'm sassing, Ozzie, remember how you said yesterday that Jim doesn't scare you and you'd pitch to him anytime? Remember that? Sure you do! It was during your mindless tirades. (I guess that doesn't really narrow it down, now does it?) Sure looked like you were frightened in the bottom of the 7th when you avoided pitching to him. Maybe you and Vázquez can get a two-for-one deal on that foot-mouth operation.

Ryan Dempster blows my freaking gourd -- 9-0 AT WRIGLEY! Man? Machine? Gift from God?

Eric! Derrek! Rami! Two hits and two ribbies each.

Rami… …maybe I should just make him the "Crosstown Classic White Knight of Wrigleyville" with his naaaasty four home runs and eight ribbies this weekend. I'm salivating already thinking of next weekend.

Huh. No wonder the east coast fans love ESPN so much - they're not so bad when they spend the whole night telling you how magnificent your team is. (Which they are!)

You can put it on the board...oh, we put it on the board - YES!

My day started off awaking with a severe allergy outbreak, covered in hives -- including my left eye practically swollen shut. Of course I had to attend my niece's birthday party -- where half of my hometown was in attendance (due to my brother marrying into a circus family), including my former arch nemesis from high school. Seriously. Lex Luthor had nothing on her. So basically I had to go to this pseudo high school reunion looking like Woogie from Something About Mary. But finally I was able to sit my horribly disfigured self down to watch the game (as I did manage to avoid all scores throughout the day) and can I just say, Holy Cow? Totally worth waiting for.

Welcome back Eric Patterson! (Notice I will no longer do this -- Corey Eric Patterson -- because of your rocking 3-5 today.) Plus you helped damage Pierzynski's throw-out percentage even more - nice work my friend!

Who thinks Jim and Mike were trying to show up Derrek and Aramis with a little back-to-back of their own? Lefties v. Righties.

♫ Our A-Ram's better than your A-Ram ♫ Aramis Ramirez and his three run homer were the best thing I've seen with my one working eye today. What does this guy have against the White Sox? Is it AJ? I bet it's AJ. Can't wait to see what he's got in store for us tomorrow.

You can pretty much pick any guy from the fourth inning as… …but I gotta go with a one Mr. Jimmy Edmonds -- anytime a guy hits multiple home runs in the same inning color me impressed. Plus he had this fun quote:

"Whenever you get done tying me to the Cardinals, it’ll be fine so I can start getting a little bit of Cubs’ history in my background."

But it wouldn't be a Crosstown Classic without idiotic instigating comments from the "Mouth of the South" as Ozzie said this about Jimmy:

"He just had a good day. I’m not going to promote the guy who is hitting .218…Jim doesn’t scare me. I’ll pitch to him anytime."

The thing is, Ozzie, Jim's now hitting .311 with the Cubs, .400 in his last 18 games and is .500 against your club this series. Be scared. (OMG…am I really standing up for Jim Edmonds? He really is a Cub.)

Wrigley Field hates you too, Ozzie.

The Crosstown Classic! The two weekends a year that we are reminded that there's this other baseball team in town. Minus the pity articles where Williams and Guillen are bitching about how the White Sox don't get enough attention because of the Cubs. Boo-freaking-hoo. Whining doesn’t make fans. Do you see Kia crying that they aren’t as respected as Porsche? Does Tara Reid expect to be on the same level as Eva Longoria? Should Pizza Hut be viewed at as Uno's rival? Hmm, how 'bout that: Tara Reid cruising around in a Kia with a greasy slice in one hand is exactly what comes to mind when I think of the White Sox -- which, let's face it, doesn't happen very often.

Well we started off the series even in runs and wins…NOT ANYMORE BITCHES! (I apologize now, playing the White Sox truly brings out the worst in me. I'm not even one of those Cubs fans that lives to hate the Sox but the media hoopla has forced it out of me.)

I love Rami……even when he goes 1-12 in the series in Tampa. But it's a lot more fun to wear my #16 jersey when he brings in two home runs, one of them in walkoff fashion!!!!!!!! Best of all, he continued his tradition of being a Sox killer .376 versus the Smelly Sox with a .773 SLG. Any questions?

Not too shabby: Matt "Don't Call Me Red" Murton was 2-3. Fuku was 2-4, as was the Riot. Geo was 1-3 while calling the winner. D-Lee was only 1-4 but it was the first home run of a back-to-back duo.

It's so much fun to watch Pierzynski strike out. Not as much fun as watching him get clocked but maybe the next best thing. But that strikeout bumped Woody up to sole possession of #3 on the Cubs all-time list.

Trivial gripe of the day: Matt Sinatro was wired for sound today and we were only given one little sound bite -- and nothing during Ronny's controversial call at first. I was really looking forward to getting all the goss at first base.

Quote of the Day via Ryan Dempster regarding the excitement of the Crosstown Classic in Chicago:

"Well for me it reminds me of the Citrus Series when I was in Florida and we'd play Tampa Bay, you know, you'd get like those extra 300-400 people a game that would come out…"

The shoulder: Just a strain! Hallelujah!!!

The finger: Healing fine! Hallelujah!!!

CUBS WIN! Hallelujah!!!

Tomorrow: My brother scheduled my niece's 1st birthday party right in the middle of Game 2. Being her godmother... ...I must attend as it is my job to ensure that she grows into a Cubs fan. Therefore, I shall TiVo the game and cause intense bodily harm to anyone who attempts to spoil it for me.

This is usually when I press the reset button on the Wii.

What kind of bizarro world is this POS dome? Marmol walks two and hits two? Fuku gets caught stealing? Rami goes 1-12? Scott Eyre, who reached 33 consecutive scoreless appearances a week ago, gives up a grand salami? The Rays have fans??? And the Cubs get swept?!? Instead of reveling in the fact that the Cardinals got swept by the Royals, I'm wallowing in one of our own. WWTLD? (What Would Tony LaRussa Drink?)

No official word on Z's shoulder, therefore no official word on my forthcoming suicide attempt. Stay tuned.

Sean Gallagher… …did his job well and should have been on the receiving end of a big fat W. But that was flushed away, along with our feat of being the only team in the MLB without three straight Ls.

Tomorrow: Like an hour of rest for our guys, then a 1:20 against…let me check here, the White Sox of…huh? How about that, "Chicago". Is that Chicago, Illinois?

What do you think the penalty is for beating a man with his own cowbell?

I'm starting to see why we've never bothered making the trip to Tropicana Field before.

In addition to another throbbing case of ninth inning Cubby blue balls, we Cubs fans are also left with a nasty bout of worrpes as Big Z left the game with a trainer in toe... ...and rumors of shoulder discomfort circulated from the yentas that are ESPN.

Man, I hope Mark's heckler doesn't hear about this. But chances are it was all over the "SWM Seeking Little Leaguers" chatroom.

Let's talk about the bases loaded no-out situation. I don't expect a grand slam (okay I totally do) but can we at least - at least get more than one run out of it?

On the plus side, Soriano is bound and determined to make it back before the All-Star Break, even if it means taking on the moniker "Three Fingers Fonz". (I'm just saying, if Mordecai could pitch with only three…)

Geo... ...who appears to be in the process of building a beard of which I think I'm going to stand firmly against, went 2-4 today including his home run to lead off the ninth (see: Cubby blue balls).

Tomorrow: Come on guys, win one for Lou. Former team, hometown, family's there…

Oh yeah? Well I'm still calling you DEVIL Rays!

Cubby Blue Balls: It's bad enough that you lose but to tease me is just cruel.

Being that this series is in a dome, the Cubs felt it would be a good time to bring up the melanin-deprived Matt Murton. Unfortunately he went 0-3, even without the yellow sun of the Earth to cause a gingervitis flareup. But he did have a nice catch to thankfully end the 8th, which was a plus because there was no way that Bobby was going to get a called strikeout no matter how many obvious strikes he threw.

I’m feeling some love for DeRo, Fuke and Jimmy for keeping the ninth alive but……belongs to a cat-like Ryan Theriot - - whose defense tonight was a downright RIOT.

People on my list: Hank Steinbrenner, anybody else that thinks the NL should adopt the DH, killer body washes and that asshat heckling Mark DeRosa behind home plate. Yes douchebag, the 8-year-olds around you are all very impressed. Now shut the hell up.

Don't worry Demples, you'll get that illusive road win. I'm thinking in a park just south of home.

Two-hour bus ride for this?

Twenty-eight minutes of rain delay and I learned this: Matlock is a pimp. Every time I looked up at the TV to see if the game was on yet, he was all over a different chick. And this is before the days of the little blue pill.

I was actually so at odds about my feelings on the final Fame Game, I posted a question on Yahoo! Answers (the best way to spend the company dime known to man) and all it did was leave me more conflicted as the arguments make sense on both sides. I do think that instead of ending it altogether there could have been a nice compromise of moving it to possibly the end of spring training but bottom line is sometimes you just got suck it up and show up on your day off for the sake of "tradition". I'm reminded of my former company's holiday corporate schmoozfest as an example. They disguise this chore under the premise of tradition, "Jennnnn…you have to come to the Christmas Party, it's tradition!" and next thing you know you're spending a perfectly good Saturday evening slow dancing with your boss while hiding from the IT guy sporting mistletoe from his belt because sexual harassment laws need not apply at the Sheraton's banquet room and you end up starting out the New Year with the nickname Schnappsy.

Sadly thunderstorms ended this 68-year tradition without a proper sendoff. But breaking tradition doesn't always have to be a bad thing, after all -- isn't that what the Cubbies are going to do in October?

Big Daddies

Ah, Father's Day…a day for those of you with such to grab Dad and play catch, go fishing or watch "the game" and a day for those of us without fathers to lay our guilt upon the world. With that, I hope you and your fathers had a wonderful day of bonding while I sat alone on my sofa watching the Cubs game with dried tears upon my cheeks. I kid! Too dark? What, do I have to be a clown for you all the time? Fine, fine. At least I didn't insert an unseemly remark about making Aramis my "daddy".

No tears shed during this rubber game as the Cubs didn't fall for the Jays' gypsy trick of closing their roof (which I can only surmise must have to be done by a hand crank) conveniently during our at-bat and instead gained three runs in that third inning and added to it during the seventh.

Micah went 2-4 as the first baseman today, as D-Lee DH-ed again today going 2-4, while yesterday's DH, Rami, went ahem, deep: hitting his tenth home run.

Jimmy's BA is seriously above .400 in the past two weeks. AND he's still making some pretty catches out there. AND it's still on the Cardinals' and Padres' dime. Give the old man some love.

Ted contributed not only with a good outing but also with the Teddy Hop, which in addition to being just plain adorable, is some sort of by-product of his psychokinetic ability to control the ball and keep it on the warning track.

And while all the guys were fabulous… …is going to the Amazing Carlos Marmol who continuously gets us (and himself!) out of jams. Honest to God, the man could trip coming out of the bullpen, tear his shirt on the gate, lose a shoe on the mound, plunk the first three batters, run up a 3-0 count on the fourth batter and still get out of the inning unscathed with his nasty stuff. I love it.

Tomorrow: We were there for the first, we'll be there for the last. Despite the best efforts to keep the tradition, the Cubs will play in the final HOF game tomorrow afternoon.

What's up, Doc?

♫ Don't know what ya got 'til it's gone ♫ Johnson, Big. Love when our guys mollywhop their former teams. You hear that Lilly?

I was concerned my disdain for David Eckstein has faded since he left St. Louis. His Ritalin-deprived spastic batting stance hasn't made me wish for a plunking like it used to but watching him crawl across the Astroturf on his hands and knees for what had to be at least eight minutes after his error trying to get the ball with his butterfingers brought a sense of contentment I can only describe as bliss. Oh, and it led to Reed's homer.

Phew! D-Lee's average is back on the rise as he went a much more familiar 3-4 today.

Jason Marquis… …seems to be strengthening as we head towards the All-Star Break, a trait he's not necessarily known for which could be a very good sign. Or he's just messing with us.