CBK, etc.

Xavier Nady (not to be confused with Xavier Roberts, whose name is stamped on every Cabbage Patch ass from here to...well, a cabbage garden where they harvest vinyl children) is a Cub! Assuming he (again, Nady - not Roberts) passes his physical, that is. But don't worry, that would really only be a problem if he was like, only 31 and coming off his second Tommy John surgery or something. (Creepy factoid: Xavier Nady was born the exact same year babies began began being harvested from the heads of cabbage. Could cabbage gestation result in weakened elbows? Smart money's on yes.)

Guess this means Reed Johnson definitely won't be coming back, huh? That sucks major ass. Major Cabbage Patch ass.

Ben Sheets definitely won't be a Cub either. Which means that all can be right again - we Cubs fans can go back to hoping his arm falls off. (Just like…wait for it...most of my Cabbage Patch dolls circa 1987.)

Headlines that make me uncomfortable

"Byrd to fill Cubs' hole in center field"

Now I don't mean to play armchair sportswriter, but perhaps "Byrd signed to play center field" would've conjured up cleaner, family-friendlier imagery from the Cubs' front page.  Then again, I would've opted for "Byrd: come spring, I'll be filling holes & jerking one into the seats".

Well, no sober New Year's Eve this year.

Since the last time the Cubs signed a free agent Ranger to a three-year deal worked out so well for us, word is out that we've notched Marlon Byrd 'til 2012.  I'd like to find one person - just one - who gives this move two thumbs up.  (Please.  Send me an email.)  Well, besides Jim Hendry, who I'm pretty sure is carrying a certifiable amount of deep-seeded hatred for every single Cubs fan and won't rest until he's ripped out our still-beating hearts and left us a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.  (Go Cubs?)

But at least Marlon's not crazy.  Or Rick skAnkiel.  (Go Cubs?)

P.S. And the Cardinals are getting really close to sealing the deal with Crotchy McNoCatch.  (Go Cubs...please?)

All's well that ends well...terribly.

Last year, I excitedly posted that the Cubs were rolling the dice for MB. As you are painfully aware, they rolled those dice and came up with uh…whatever is the craps version of a Whammy. But it ends today. It's a like a big crazy weight has been lifted on my shoulders.

Oh. But replaced by an ever bigger - but less crazy - weight. Carlos Silva. In addition to being equally unwanted, he costs more (though the Ms will be sending over some cash) and comes to Wrigley with an ERA of 8.60 last season and 6.46 the year before that, with an equally nauseating WHIP. Did I mention that he hails from a pitcher-friendly park? But on the plus side, he's almost as big as Big Z. (Big S?) And unlike his counterpart in the trade, he doesn't want us all to die…yet, anyway.

So personally, I think this deal sucks. But, after last season, the line to take MB off our hands wasn't exactly wrapping around the block. Let's put blame where blame lies, though. Milton is not, and has never really been, the ballsy power lefty the Cubs wanted him to be. He hits better from the right and he rocks at getting on base - not driving in runs or coming through in the clutch. Unfortunately, he is also - as the professionals say - batshit crazy. So, despite our hopes & his talent, taking a chance on Milton Bradley for three years with high expectations in front of a passionate, devoted, fervent, oft-rabid fanbase maybe - just maybe - wasn't the best idea from the current (soon-to-be former) Cubs GM.

*UPDATE* Jim Hendry (probably upon reading CUBblogging...) takes blame for MB fiasco.  In other news: bears do shit in the woods, the pope is Catholic and Dolly Parton does indeed sleep on her back.

Ho, ho, ho!

Well kiddies, it's a week 'til Christmas and you know what that means…time to put Santa hats on my header hoes (I was leaning towards snowflake pasties), post Wrigley's e-Christmas Card (and thus ensure my status as a crazy cat lady for yet another year), and - since all we've gotten under our collective tree this year is extra urinal cakes & higher ticket prices- compare Jim Hendry, Crane Kenney and Tom Ricketts to the Christmas villains of the Grinch (rotund), Cousin Eddie (heart:brain ratio) and Ebenezer (the "man"), respectively.

Winter Meetings: in review

Are we sure Jim Hendry was even there? Hell, who am I kidding, it probably would've went better for us if he hadn't been.

Miles away

Aaron Miles is gone! Not only gone, but about as far away as we could send him! (Mariners said no?) There will be no more promises to win us over, no more worthless pinch hit at-bats, no more masculinity-affirming beards, no more promises of pots of gold just beyond a rainbow and no more shoving Lucky Charms down our throats.  

But as goes Miles, so goes Foxy. I figured it would happen this winter, but I hoped it would be for a guy that at least leads the search results when his name is googled. (You win again, Dr. Jeff Gray of the University of Alabama.)  

Fresh meat: the aforementioned Jeff Gray - no, not the associate professor, research group or cosmetic dentist (though while we're on the subject, it wouldn't hurt his Leprechauness to swing by Dr. Jeff's office on his way to Oakland for a snaggleteethectomy), and two minor leaguers who do get top priority in Google.  

Did I mention Aaron Miles is gone? Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Giving Thanks

In the grand tradition of first graders and TV families, I shall tell you what I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving. Food? Shelter? Black Friday doorbusters? YOU? No dear reader, this year...I'm thankful for the Cubs winning the World Series next year. (I think I'm really tying the baseball gods' hands with this one. If they have hands.) I'm also thankful that my candied yams recipe only calls for 1/4 cup of brandy, leaving plenty left in the bottle so that, for a few hours, I can truly believe they will (and even a little left over to make my family nearly bearable).

Happy Turkey Day.

More Cubs news! And my own agenda!

Blah, blah...Heilman to D-Bags. Blah, blah...can't believe anyone took him. Blah, blah...anyone know about the schmucks coming our way?

In more exciting, more nerdy, more couch potatoey, more filling-the-baseball-void-in-your-empty-soul news, the best show that you are not watching because you: a) don't have a TV to avoid the aliens' brainwashing beams, b) hate things that are awesome, c) your parents were first cousins who also only watched sucky television, is coming back January 10th. That's still light years away from baseball season (sigh), so you should totally spend Mondays Chucking yourself. But if my endorsement isn't enough, I offer ten more points:

1. Captain Awesome's real life counterpart, Ryan McPartlin, is a boneable bonafied Cubs fan.
2. Adam Baldwin. Every deliciously naughty fantasy I have (that isn't about Aramis Ramirez, of course) is about Animal Mother/Major Mitchell/Jayne Cobb/Major Colonel John Casey.
3. Last season featured a DeLorean, Missile Command & Predator drones.
4. The season before? A Wookie, a sandworm and Tron.
5. Jeffster!
6. BAMF guest stars such as T-1000 and a little guy you might know as Superman.
7. There isn't anybody on this show not worth giving up an appendage to get to third base with. I'm looking at you Yvonne Strahovski & Sarah Lancaster.
8. I ate a lot of mofo-ing subs to get this thing renewed. Must those carbs to be in vain?
9. Viva Buy Moria.
10. Didya hear? Chuck knows Kung Fu.

Finally, some Cubs news!!!

Blah, blah…Grabow. Blah, blah…too much money. Blah, blah…Hendry fat kid in candy shop.

Moving on to other more exciting, more sinful, more naughty, more chance-of-venereal-disease news, the Cubs will again be playing the White Sox at THE VEGAS!!! I'm planning on working my feminine wiles to talk Mr. Jen into a weekend getaway...so that I can use my feminine wiles (and my feminine roofie cocktail) to score a "What happens in Vegas" tale with Rami. You know, to tell the grandkids some day. (You see Bobby, it was the City of Sin and Nana was a wanton slut jonesing for the Cubs' slugger to take her deep…) Or maybe John Grabow - after all, he's gonna have to start earning that ridonkulous 7.5 mil.  Yeeeeeeeeesh.

Meep.

I miss baseball.

Seriously, is anyone even counting anymore?

Can you imagine having enough World Series rings to fill an entire hand - thumbs and all?  Wait, strike that - can you imagine having a World Series ring?  (Or on the flip side, enough fingers for all those World Series rings?)  

Cubs Strategy for 2010: Hits

I interrupt my hiatus (I had to get the Cheeto crumbs off my pajamas anyway) to bring you some moderately exciting Cubs news.  

To execute their cunning, wily...dare I say, diabolical plan of…wait for it, wait for it…HITTING(!!!), the masterminds are bringing in hitting coach extraordinaire (some say guru - not me, but probably someone) Rudy Jaramillo (see: right, with his ummm, let's go with "star pupil"), a guy who obviously likes a challenge...and a lot of digits on his paycheck (well really, who doesn’t?).

More here.  I'm going on a Cheetos run. 

Shoe, meet other foot.

(This foot, however, presents with ashy heels, several ingrown toenails and an unidentifiable fungus. And it prefers its shoes five seasons out of style…and not surprisingly, wide-width.)

Remember my neighbor? (Just to jog your memory - Lives next door? Slack-jawed? A distinct brown tooth next to all his yellow ones - where I assume he holds cigarettes and/or turds in his teeth? Cardinals fan? Brought over a broom to "sweep my porch" when the Cubs got swept in '07 only minutes after the crushing defeat at 10:30 in the evening when we'd only known each other for two weeks, thus ensuring that should his house be swallowed up by flames anytime in the future, I will never call the fire department despite my love for all things firemen?) Today is the only day I have been happy to know this man. In fact, it's the only day I'm happy to know any Cardinals fans.

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Game 2: Muahahahahahahaha…ha.

Pick a door, any door…seriously, you (unlike the Cardinals) can't lose!

Door no. 1: The big damn hero's big damn error without a doubt cost the Cardinals game 2. (My favorite door, FYI.)

Door no. 2: It took six months but the real Ryan Franklin finally stood up. (When you pitch like that, there's really no justification for that ridiculous beard.)

Door no. 3: The Cardinals fanbase brain trust is now ready to kick Matt Holliday to the curb, completely forgetting that they wouldn’t have even been in a position to lose game 2 if not for the oafish rental. (Morans.)

Wait 'til...aw, you know the drill.

For the third year in a row, the Cubs leave us hanging in October. Hey! Remember when it used to be September? (*ahem* Or...August?)

Cardinals v. Dodgers. Wednesday. Los Angeles. If Joe Torre's band of freaks fail to do anything to the Foul Fowl but what they did to us last October…I will hunt them down, rip off Manny's California raisins and wear them as earrings to Opening Day next season. Go Dodgers Go.

Diamondbacks 12, Cubs 3

Seriously, Cubs? Is this how it's gonna be for the final series? And yet, for reasons unimaginable to me, this is the very same group listed in today's Yahoo! Top Ten searches.

(E)

Well, it's over. OFFICIALLY ELIMINATED FROM THE PLAYOFFS. "Persona non grata." "Seat's taken." "No ticket." I'd like to say I kept a sizeable chunk of faith until last night but truthfully, hope jumped ship in late August. (Even that was being wildly optimistic.) My recaps got lazy, my comments got bitter and I stopped keeping track on my refrigerator scoreboard on August 29th. (And that was a win, mind you.) Regardless, I suppose this means congratulations are in order. Without further ado:

Congratulations to MB for justifying your haters and making those of us that supported you look like even bigger assholes than you. (Hmm, on second thought, you're still the bigger one.)

Congratulations Rami for having an ass of Michelangelo's David, but the shoulder of Venus de Milo. (Surely bigger genitals than both, however.)

Congratulations Jeff Sharkimija for getting your first Major League start…and thankfully, a do-over. (I guess not "do-over" so much as "redemption".)

Congratulations Gloggles for not leading the League in blown saves this year. (Though thanks to a demotion and Brad Lidge.)

Congratulations D-Lee for having your best numbers in four years to make unwatchable games watchable. (I love you. For reals.)

Congratulations Aaron Miles for being a role model to untalented kids with a dream of playing Major League baseball. (I don’t love you. For reals.)

Congratulations Andy White for - despite having the higher BA, OBP, SLG, more ribbies, more home runs, all in less at-bats - being faux DL'd for Aaron Miles. (Ouch.)

Congratulations Koyie for not losing any fingers this year. (As for toes…?)

Congratulations Sambo Fuld for getting playing time in the outfield despite neither underperforming nor being overpaid. (This must be a mistake.)

Congratulations Fonzy for not being DL'd by September for the first time since becoming a Cub and making us wish you had. (Next year, just take the month off and come back to hit a bajillion home runs.)

Congratulations Marm for being a little less Hyde and a little more Jekyll when you became closer. (You still scare me.)

Congratulations Smirky McCutiepants for not pitching like you'll be a free agent this year. (Thanks for keeping your arm attached though.)

Congratulations Demp for proving that while your contract signed last year might have been a little ridiculous, at least it wasn’t as ridiculous as Kyle Lohse's. (Plus, Lohse can't do magic tricks illusions.)

Congratulations Big Z for deciding 19 million dollars/year isn’t enough money to do a sit-up. (Any reasonable individual would insist for at least 20 mil.)

Congratulations Randy WWWWWWWWWWWells for being a ROTY candidate despite the offense's best efforts to destroy you. (I think they hate you.)

Congratulations Tom Gorzelanny & John Grabow for leaving one disappointing NL Central team for another. (Still gotta be better though, right?)

Congratulations Fuke for making the $12/mil a year only kind of comical this time around. (Halfway through that contract.)

Congratulations Aaron Heilman for getting the chance to pitch for your childhood team. (With a teeny bit more skill than that of a child.)

Congratulations Teddy Lilly for solely representing a very embarrassing team this year at the ASG. (And getting the snub, despite being the best thing to baseball since hot dogs without sheep intestine casings.)

Congratulations Jeff Baker for leaving a playoff bound team to battle two leprechauns for second base. (Bummer for you, huh?)

Congratulations Hoffy for being demoted to Iowa, had to be better than this, right? (Blink twice for yes.)

Congratulations Riot for staying career consistent. (Even with your September slumping.)

Congratulations Fun-Size Fontenot for being given a full-time gig and showing why you're a part-time dude. (Fun-Size candy bars are smaller. And less fun. Coincidence? I don’t even know what the hell I'm saying.)

Congratulations Reeeeeeeeed for breaking your foot in a much less embarrassing fashion than Ryan Dempster. (Much, much less.)

Congratulations to Foxy for not maiming anyone when told your good offense/bad defense wasn't enough to take the job of a starter with bad offense/horrid defense. (I would've maimed.)

Congratulations BOBBY SCALES! for getting to the Majors! (Not what you expected?)

Congratulations Sean Marshall for being bumped to the bullpen, thus avoiding this statement over and over and over and over again: "tough loss for the starting pitcher". (Tough loss for the bullpen.)

Congratulations Angel Guzman for ending the season on the DL…again. (Again.)

Congratulations Geo for following up a MLB 'Rookie of the Year' award with a High Times 'Stoner of the Year' nod. (Looks so prestigious on the mantle, though.)

If only we played the Pirates every day…

…we would've clinched shortly after the All-Star Break.

In perhaps what was a nod to the show from Big Z on Friday, or maybe Canadian solidarity on Fergie bobblehead night, or a hatred of all things swashbuckling, Demp threw a complete game five-hit shutout against the Pirates.

Sam Fuld had three hits tonight but remains to still be searching for his first ribbie (still!), while Jeffster, Hoffy & D-Lee rubbed it* in his face with two each. (*Purely speculation. Who's to say what hijinks ensue behind the closed doors of the Cubs clubhouse?)

Complete game shutout!!!

Five hits!!!

Canadian!!!

You know what's funny? (Again, not really.) In some circles, the very amount of wins we've now stacked up would have thrusted us into the playoffs where we could slide right into a mofo-ing World Series title. But this ain't 2006 and thankfully, we aren’t the St. Louis Cardinals. We are, however, the Chicago Cubs with a guaranteed winning season. And that, my friends, is something.

Three out of four ain't bad...

...actually it's pretty darn good.  It's funny (not really) that this series had been on the back of my mind nearly all year as a tough one we'll have to face before clinching.  Turns out I should've been more concerned with the other 51 matchups.  Baseball's a funny (not really) game.  

The Cardinals and the Yankees both clinched this weekend.  The rich get richer, my friends.  The rich get fucking richer (really).  

Short and sweet.

Apparently we won last night. I was deep asleep, dreaming that a massive outbreak of the piggy flu hits Busch Stadium, forcing the Clown Co. to relinquish the NL Central title to the runner-up. BUT OH WAIT, they haven't won it yet. Heh. Heh, heh, heh. (Wouldn’t it be funny if….....?)



Big Z was all "trade this, bitches!" on a night without D-Lee and Rami (and therefore, a prayer), knocking in two and pitching a complete game two-hit shutout. Daaaaamn.

Ed. Note: The Cubs can, in fact, lose.

Not too shabby, Mr. Samardzija. (And truthfully, I was totally expecting shabby.) Filling in for Ted (hence the taters), Sharkimija was - well um, it uh, he was pretty good. You have to remember that, unlike us, the Brewers offense isn't the reason for their stank. No, no, no…it's their pitching that makes the Brewers a pile of suck (unless of course, said pile happens to be facing the Cubs. Narveson?!). So whenever a guy that throws mostly fastballs (okay, all fastballs) to chumps like Prince Fielder & Ryan Braun (the fat guy & the douchebag, for those of you out-of-towners) and still escapes an inning short of a quality start, while supplying half the run tally himself, color me impressed. Now go get a haircut.

In typical Universe v. Cubs, it seems appropriate that the Cards clinch the NL Central as the Cubs face a former Cardinal on the mound. But what Universe didn’t count on was the Astros strapping on a set and avoiding their 10th straight loss. The Cubs stay alive for one more day…

Cubs can't lose!

Day 3 since the suspension heard 'round the world and the Cubs are 3-0. Of course, I don’t want to be one of those nutbags misplacing my own irrational anger/rage/fury/impotence so I'll just let you Draw Your Own Conclusion®. (Coming to toy stores near you this holiday season!)

Speaking of crazy, but in a less pathologically and more woo-hoo! way, D-Lee's numbers are just getting better and better as we approach the inevitable regrettable. Also of the woo-hoo! was Randy Wells laying the smack down through six innings and Tyler Colvin marking his territory (minus the pee...maybe) in the outfield with some great catches. Plus, with his two hits tonight, Fuke's average is now nearly equal to MB's on the season as Kosuke reclaimed right field. (And he doesn’t want us to die! Even though Fuke actually has been the victim of racism in Wrigleyville.)

Yeah………from here on out, it's D-Lee unless otherwise stated. And it probably won't be otherwise stated.

Ding-Dong!

Remember when the wicked witch died and all the Oz folk rejoiced? Well munchkins, it's day two since the house dropped on Milty and we're 2-0. Much like the Lollipop Guild that came before them, the Cubs spent the afternoon in the clubhouse with a tape measure…comparing "heights". (Anyone else think there was some dong gauging going on there? Does that go in locker rooms? Please say yes. I'm just sayin'…you got the tape measure and the nudity, let's just put an end to the D-Lee rumors once and for all.)

Tyler Colvin made his debut in the Bigs with a hit and a ribbie. Words of wisdom: (1) Keep up the .333, little man, and you'll never again have to stoop to the common man's dating tricks (Jagerbombs & roofies). (2) In the Majors, you can eat Cracker Barrel EVERY NIGHT. (Goes for the folksy gift shop. Stays for the chicken fried steak.) (3) And if your average happens to drop to…oh, say .257, it would help your case if you could keep from insulting the storied franchise, bashing the loyal fanbase and being hostile to your talented teammates.

10 runs, 14 hits for the Cubs. All the Brewers could manage was two solo Cameron home runs off Gorzo. (It was sad.) Rami & D-Lee were both 3-4 and had back-to-back homers - I lurve them both so much - and Jeffster and Fuke both had a couple of hits too.

D-Lee was oh-so-close to hitting for the cycle again tonight as he chalked up four ribbies. Damn that elusive triple. It's not his fault, you know, triples are really, really hard to get - especially when you're carrying around extra baggage…if you know what I mean. (I really need to get my hands on that tape measure…if you know what I mean.) I think you know what I mean.

Weekend Series: No Comment. No effing Comment.

Space Invaders

Apparently back in February, the brain trust that is the Brewers marketing division decided to give the Cubs fans a taste of their own medicine and for this game - September 17th - turn Wrigley Field into "Miller Park South". (Pause for laughter. Still paused. Un-pause. Paused again. Un-pause. Pause for readers to change underpants.) Sooooo…the Cubs invite 60 courageous, inspiring Medal of Honor war heroes to the game and the Brewers invite 100 fatties who stink of bratwurst & shame. Um, we win. ("First 100 fans"…that's cute. I wondered what those empty seats were for.)

Following in the footsteps (assprints?) of Rich Harden, Randy Wells (ass footage not available) couldn’t go the distance. Couldn’t even go on a short trip. Barely got out of the driveway.

Did I say the Cubs need to go undefeated to make it to the playoffs? Well I take that back. That would be a ridiculous expectation. No, no, they're gonna need to get their hands on a time machine.

Who the hell is Alcides Escobar?

Being a WCIU game, this one was off my radar. I guess that's okay, since without the gratitutous ass visuals, there's really nothing to gain from a 3-inning outing from Rich Harden and a Rami error that leads to 3 runs.

For the Cubs to mosey into the playoffs, they're pretty much gonna need to go undefeated from here out. Okay, maybe not "undefeated" per se but um, yeah - undefeated. Or really, really close to it. That means no more costly errors, no more rotation castration, no more .256 from the pricey outfielders and no more David Patton. That is all.

Acehole

Debating Big Z's aceliness has always been a topic of discussion but this year in particular, what with the mondo ass suckage and all. A few thoughts from me, Captain Obvious, after watching these past six months - in particular, this game. "Aces" don’t do this crap EVERY game. They also generally have more than eight wins in September. And they can usually make it through more than 5 innings more often than not. They also tend not to be shown up by Aaron Heilman, Kevin Gregg, Esmailin Caridad and Jeff Samardzija. But I'll give him this - bringing in nearly $19 mil? Now THAT is the stuff of an "ace". (So much so that I can't see how, assuming we got him to approve a trade this winter, the deal would favor the Cubs.)

Apparently we could have won this game just lying there, as eight runs ended up being freebies from walks & hit batters. (D-Lee & the Riot each took freaking THREE WALKS.) But not these hellcats, who rode the Brewers' pitching staff for 13 total runs, only one of which was from a home run off Geo's bat.

Oh Geo, here you go, being all awesome in September and making me feel bad about all those months of stoner jokes. Nah, not really 'cause you kinda sucked dude.

Cubs win! Brewers don't!

This four-game series looked to be HUUUUUGE (awkward glance at Prince Fielder) back in uh, spring. Now it's autumn and one can equate the falling leaves to either team's playoff hopes. (GFY "one". I refuse to give up until we're mathematically eliminated. Or until hockey season.)

As for the offense, COME ON?! A solo D-Lee homer and a Fuke sac fly was all we could scrounge up against SUPPAN? Gotta say, if I made the rules one run in seven innings of Jeff Suppan would be an automatic loss. (My rules would also implement No Shirts Saturdays and Mud Wrestling Mondays.)

DEMP. DEMP! DEMP? Helped out some great defense (okay, just Sambo) and the elusive Unscary Marm, Demp made it through eight shutout innings against Prince Fielder and uh, those other guys. (Kisses to whoever made the call to not start Bug-Eyed Braun.) Not too shabby, considering Milwaukee's offense is really the only reason they can even hover the .500 mark. (They suck.)

Weekend Wrap: I am not dead, just lazy

Man, if Marm hadn't gregged up the second game, the Cubs would've swept the Reds on the same weekend the Braves swept the Cards. Oh well. With today's win, we once again find ourselves within a meaningless (unless you consider dignity meaningful, which as you well know from reading, I do not) single-digit deficit in the standings. And for that, I say we party.

Well, maybe meaningless. TBS's postseason coverage commercials is including clips of the Cubs. Coincidence? (Probably.) Fate? (Probably not.) Just 'cause they're purty? (Definitely.) Because (with the exception of Amber Alerts) showing guys like this on a nationwide network is a guaranteed ratings dive and TBS, along with millions of Cubs fans, are praying this is the year for a miracle? (You bet your Nielson box.)

Regardless, as he proved once again today with his seventh straight win at home, Ted Lilly needs to dip his balls into the glorious waters of postseason baseball. Six innings, seven strikeouts, no runs and two oversized playoff-caliber testicles.

And don’t look now, but with three weeks left to go in the dismal season (mayyyybe…the Rockies are playing San Fran this week…if the Cubs sweep the Boohoo Crew while the Westies beat each other up…), the offense has found its swing. Sixteen runs this weekend: with ribbies from Rami, Geo, D-Lee, BOBBY SCALES!, 3-Fingers Hill and yes, Andy mofo-ing White.

D-Lee went 3-4 today, including the 32nd home run of a season in which he leads the Cubs offense in nearly every category. I'm sorry, that should have read EVERY CATEGORY. Home runs, batting average, RBIs, runs, kitten-rescuing, making rainbows…