This is what happens...

...when Ted doesn't pitch (did they learn nothing from the '08 NLDS?). And when the game is held on unholy grounds. (Or if you're not religious, we can just go with "toilet".) Oh! And when some tool makes an error in the first inning that leads to two runs. (Man, that would be really embarassing. I can't think of what would be much worse. Except maybe if he went 0-fer on the night. In front of his hometown crowd. Now THAT would be humiliating. But don't worry Mr. Bronze Glove, I have a hunch you'll have worse days coming.) So we lose again. Hopefully it'll be the Cubs who were robbed of home field advantage, eh?

And one more thing. Just so we're clear, Cards fans: the ability to read a stat on your Jumbotron and repeat it does not make you, as you like to claim, "the best fans". (Nor does it make you, as you like to claim, "knowledgeable fans", though I'm sure the ability to read does put one among the elite of your fanbase.)

Booing the President of the United States & Ted Lilly (who could very easily be President too, if he wasn't 33), however, does qualify you for "the worst fans", "classless fans" and "giant douches".

Two games - one post: lazy…or efficient?

CUBS WIN! A double from the Riot and a key walk by Fonzy made for a 3-run Hoffjack that put the Cubs on the board early, while a solo Big Z homer put the Cubs ahead and that was all the bullpen would need. (My Gloggles fetish hasn't been looking so deviant lately, hmmmm? Oh what's that? Still freaky? Fair enough.) Two big errors from the blundering Cardinals added a little insurance (and I like to think a little humiliation as well) in the form of three runs.

And then…

cubs lose. Randy allowed two too many home runs to um, one of the many trolls on the Cardinals. (Does it really matter? They all evoke the same horror/loathing/nausea, wear Satan's uniform and spend their off days dwelling under bridges while eating babies.) Meanwhile, MB and Sammy Fuld both had a single, a double and a walk on the evening. Additional singles from the Riot, D-Lee and Rami just weren’t enough to make it a Sunday sweep, despite the ninth inning's diabolical mastermind Lou (finally using his powers for good, rather than developing Kryptonian-fueled weaponry to defeat Superman) and an otherworldy (hmmm...Kryptonian?) Reeeeed catch that, I'm pretty sure, was his best yet - and that's no joke. (As is when I tell you tonight's home plate umpire has no business umping a drunken company picnic softball game, let alone setting foot in the Majors, after the "strike" calls on our ninth inning batters that indeed, killed a soon-to-be rally.)

Two games but alas, only one knight for one win - this afternoon's pitcher (though honorable mention for the first inning Hoffense). After blowing his three run cushion, Big Z came back with the game-winning home run and limited the Cards through six innings, snagging a win for the first time since June 5th.



As any of you with an über creepy cursed Cubs calendar know (or for that matter, any calendar at all), the Cubs entered the second half of the season five days ago. But I say we officially put our enemies on notice Thursday, where I predict the Cubs come back from the All-Star Break, refreshed & renewed, done with record setting slumps & key injuries to key players and ready to take on the National League - starting with washy Washington. Just as it's unbelievably shocking how bad the Cubs have been these first three months, they could turn around and equally shock us with an unbelievably un-bad second half that takes them all the way to the World Series. 'Cause that's kind of my theory - wouldn't it just be so…"Cubs" that the year we've all been waiting/dreaming/begging for would sneak in on a bitter, hopeless, disappointing Trojan horse (and not as a MUCH DESERVED pot of gold after last year's everlasting rainbow)? Just one cynical blogger's hunch. But one thing is for sure - nothing should keep them from their third consecutive NL Central title.

At .500? Drinks on me!

I'll give the Cubs this. Somehow this team - which carries eight All-Stars from last year, sports the 3rd highest payroll in the MLB and came off a 97-win year - has managed to set the bar so low that any time they manage to crack the .500 mark, it feels as though it's an accomplishment worthy of a raucous party with unlimited kegs, a live band and at least two back-room orgies. (Do you see what all these mustaches have done to me???)

TED is _________. (Amazing? Incredible? Magnificent? Prodigious? Godly?) I can't find the appropriate word to describe his eight innings, where he allowed only one run and gave up one walk to the foulest fowl.

So what if it was against Brad Thompson? That fleshy punching bag was just what the doctor ordered - and the best medicine was ribbies from Rami, MB & Fonzy and two (!) from a much clutch Jeffster. The Riot also had a couple of hits and D-Lee had a double, before being removed from the game with another flare-up of neck spasms.

Ninth inning drama, fueled by that drunken drama queen in the visitor's dugout and more shameful umpiring, gave the Cardinals an unearned earned run off Marm and allowed Gloggles to come in and collect his 16th save.

'Twas the valiance of Sir Theodore Lilly (or perhaps the girth of his codpiece) who rescued today's lads, whilst distressing the mustachioed damsels.

Let's play two!

Mo' stache, mo' problems

In what is becoming a disturbing trend, I greet you again with a conversation about mustaches, as several members of the St. Louis Cardinals are sporting an alternative look to promote "team unity". See (and shudder): right. "TEAM UNITY." And I'm sure when they trade in the team bus for the windowless van it'll be for "freeway friendship". And that "kids-only 'free candy' slumber party at Busch Stadium"? "Clubhouse camaraderie." Or maybe they're taking the 'stache style another route in this "team unity" as the group debuts in the adult film industry. If only they had a catchy title with a hint of eroticism like…hey! "Team Unity".

Enough beating around the mouth bush, this game was painful to watch - and not just because the Cardinals found a new way to look hideous. Rich Harden - though a 2-hit wonder - sucked. (I'm pretty sure that's the technical term for it.) And while the other guys got hits too, it wasn’t enough to make up for the runs that the pitching and "defense" allowed. The only bright spot was D-Lee's three-run homer, but since he was unable to duplicate it two more times, we're looking at being under .500 for the bazillionth time this season. (Again, technical term.)

Wait! I'm not done making you feel miserable. Geo's rumored to be out for at least a month with his batting practice injury, as well as Demp with the bum toe and did I mention we're under .500? Just to keep you off the ledge, if I were to guess a game in this series that the Cubs would lose (it is FOUR after all) I would have picked this one with Carpenter v. mustache-phobic Harden. Tomorrow we've got Ted ('nuff said) and Sunday there's WWWWells & Z. (Of course, that is a doubleheader which are more often split than swept but I remain hopelessly optimistic.) Go (?) Cubs!

Perfect Tedperature for a win

Same old, shame old

First things first, let's just get it out of the way. By "it", I’m referring to Kevin Hart's team photo which is on a level of creepy usually reserved for windowless vans, leisure suits and - well, guys with moustaches like that. But hey! The 'stache is long gone and despite walking wayyy to many Bravos, he held 'em to one run in his five innings. I'll even start a petition to bring that lip fur back if it'll spark our unsparkable offense. We're officially in the second half of the season and it doesn’t look a whole lot different than the first: good pitching, some bullpen problems, bad defense and NO OFFENSE. A solo home run from Fuke was all the Cubs mustered up today as they dropped their second game in a row to the Chipperless Braves.

The familiar lack of offense and Kevin's preseason moustache were not the most offensive things seen today - just when I thought Bill Miller deserved a be-toeing after last night's call, Derryl Cousins practically begs for one today. Take a look for yourself at these calls:

Runner was called out for a [shouldn't have been] double play.

Runner called safe in the midst of a [should be double] play.

Who cares? An off day - finally!

Toe-jammed

Big Z took the mound today, on short rest, as it was revealed that a fracture has limited Dempster to nine toes (that's 2 less than the average St. Louis Cardinals fan). Big Z allowed only two runs in his loss, the only run support coming from an RBI single off Koyie (who is no stranger to missing phalanges either). The only other hits came from Fonzy & Rami (both with two!) plus Hoff & the Riot. Angel, Sean & Aaron Heilman combined to pitch three scoreless innings in a continuing endearing bullpen.

BUT…while the offense did fail to get the best of a seemingly arch-nemesisy Javier Vazquez, a missed call on Big Z's first inning pickoff of Nate McLouth possibly cost the Cubs this one-run game. When Nate the Taint came around to score that first run I said to myself, "Please don’t let this be a one-run ballgame," as I'm aware I hold my grudges like I hold my liquor - an inhumane and inappropriate length of time until said grudge/liquor is forced to expel itself in a violent spew, most likely 2 ½ months from now when we're one game behind in the standings and I lie awake at night, plotting revenge on Bill Miller's toes.

Hart-warming

Coincidence? I think not.

He's baaaaack. An anticlimactic return for Rami (though climatic for me, she says, with a sleazy smile akin to the Stifler oeuvre) in his 0-4 evening. BUT, even his mere presence can make for a Cubs win, as everyone else - including Randy - had a hit and/or a walk. This includes D-Lee's 16th home run (he can't be stopped and if you try to stop him, I'll punch you in the throat), Fuke's two hits & and a walk, doubles from those two - plus a couple from Fonzy & Geo too and two walks from MB. Rami - a muse? An angel? An anthropomorphic (and hot) rabbit's foot? You decide.

Sean, the Marm & Gloggles combined for a three innings of anti-suck, allowing no runs to give Randy his 4th win, Marm's 18th hold and Gloggles 15th save.

I keep waiting for Randy Wells to fall from grace but despite not having a Marquisesque record (really?), it's July and he's still wowing us - tonight holding the Braves to two runs in his six innings. I'm thisclose to marketing some unlicensed "Randy makes me randy" baby tees.

D-Lee-ightfully hot for Demp's sixth win.

Seventy-five percent awesome

I'm about to say something I haven’t said all year long (which eliminates a large number of badly chosen sexual innuendos) and announce how proud of the Cubs I am right now, after they took three games from the fatter part of Wisconsin and would have had the opportunity for a four-game sweep if not for a pitching implosion on Saturday (this is what happens when you have a Canadian start on the Fourth of July). But today's game put the Brewers back in their place (currently second, soon to be third) with an outstanding Ted (no surprise) and plenty of offense, including two hits from Fuke (including a triple - STUD), Riot, D-Lee (including his 15th home run - STUD), Foxy (a double and a home run - STUD) and Fonzy & Fun-Size (let's face it, some surprise). Geo was hitless, but did have a sac fly for one of today's eight runs. MB only had one hit, but he also took today's only walk. And the bullpen took over Ted's outstanding-ness, holding the Brewers offense to their measly two runs. This should give them something to think (whine) about until we meet again in September.

I've got to go with the All-Star for a couple of reasons. He had nine strikeouts today, allowed no free passes and gave up a mere two runs in his eighth win. That, and I've got to give D-Lee (and myself) a rest from my constant um…let's go with "devotion".

All looks Wells

Red, white and [Cubbie] blue in Peoria: I celebrated our nation's independence with all things American: baseball, beer and low explosive pyrotechnics. While enjoying my certain unalienable rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of a penis (see what I did there?) - I took advantage of my freedom to violate a couple of our favorite Cubs' privacy while they were down in Peoria…because while 233 years ago our nation declared all men (mandatory eye roll at the 18th century not-so-inclusive gender inclusive) are created equal - once they have a Major League contract they are elevated above the rest of us to be adored and worshipped. Enjoy more pics here, if you truly have nothing better to do and/or are obsessed with Rami, Reeeed, minor league baseball or the Zooperstars.

Um, you're half right.

Oh, to be that microphone.

The rain limited Reeeed to only a pinch hit appearance, which is great because I was really hoping to see more of uh, whoever it was instead.

And that same rain had them DH-ing Rami. Mmmmm, stretchy.

Notice on the end - Rami's "The Thinker" pose. The man is a work of art, people.

Rami's walkup song was Soulja Boy's "Turn My Swag On". I know you think I'm going to turn that into some sort of a sexually depraved pun but I'll have you know I'm above that.

Zooperstars "Harry Canary". Yup, it's a circus...but they serve beer.

Apparently even Single-A has roomier dugouts than the Chicago Cubs.

Cue the theme from Jaws

Oh this game too. Equally lusty wrongfeelings as yesterday's but this isn’t the kind of game you take up for a romantic weekend at a B&B, no - this is the kind of game you meet in a smoky bar and take out back for a dirty ride on the dumpster.

The offense went into hiding again today after yesterday's crushing cameo…but perhaps this is what happens when you buy the team hats from a gift rack at the Flying J (Geo's ears perk up) made with red dye no. 2. Not surprisingly, Big Z was impervious to the toxic headwear - singling in Foxy for the tying run while allowing the Brewers only one run in his seven innings. Koyie and Fun-Size were both 2-4 on the day, but it was Foxy's 10th inning walk - on a questionable pitch that after further review I do believe was a little too high (Geo's ears perk up once again) - that won the game. (!)

Gloggles brought "it" (big fan of "it") today - recording seven outs (how was that uncaught fly ball not an error?) in his two innings and notching his third win. Nicknameless Aaron Heilman's 1,2,3 inning gets kudos as well.

As for Fonzy, postgame Lou says "adjustments" will be made tomorrow. No elaborating on whether he'll be moved down in the lineup, benched or banished to batboy.

Remember Fuke's seventh inning assist that, along with a nice block from Koyie, voided Suppan's soon-to-be run? While the centerfielder may have been caught stealing and went 0-fer on the day (two walks though), that delicious play-at-the-plate allowed us to go into extras and saved the game.

So we've already split the series, which was our at-minimum hopes. Bring on Saturday and Sunday!

No rain can dampen the Cubs 4th of July parade (and hopefully no rain to dampen my parade in Peoria!)

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

Oh this game. I'm thinking about taking this game up north to a bed and breakfast, where we will brush each other's hair, feed each other chocolate-covered strawberries and whisper sweet nothings under the stars before we eventually succumb to our passions under the moonlight.

Offense, offense, offense - where have you been??? July is a little more than fashionably late but you sure do know how to make an entrance. The four run lead felt more like 40, as it seemed like the Cubs had an unfamiliar confidence that they could just add more runs whenever they wanted. (Hoping they saved some up to stretch until the All-Star break.) All the runs were scored on the longball but all the starters had a hit tonight.

*Stage whisper* Um, Sam Fuld (!!) filled in for Fonzy again tonight. And was 2-4 with a walk.

Demp didn't completely dominate in his fifth win (though he did strike out nine in his 6.2) but when you got D-Lee hitting large slams (no bacon) followed by grand slams (bacon) along with homers from Foxy & Geo, it really doesn't matter if you're walking relief pitchers.

Sean struck out Prince Fielder in a high tense situation and I couldn't help but feel a striking similarity to when Princess Leia strangled Jabba the Hutt. Just sayin'.

Didya hear about the seven-ribbie D-Lee? Let's face it, "game" in my opening paragraph was just my coy way of saying "D-Lee".

Z brings the Friday heat.

New Cub

Rumor has it the Cubs are seeing the Cards acquistion of he-who-shall-not-be-named and raising them a utility man of their own by acquiring...drumroll, please...Jeff Baker from the Rockies. As is tradition, I've shimmied into my studious skirt (knee-length) and donned horn-rimmed glasses (smart) to research what you really need to know about our newest Cub.

Thanks, new guy.

Pros:

• Doesn't spell Jeff "Geoff".
• Minor League team? The Modesto "Nuts".
• Born in Germany - just like my friend Robbie.
• Went to Clemson - just like my friend Robbie!
• Could possibly be my friend Robbie.

Cons:

• Not DeRosa.
• Won't answer to "DeRo".
• "I want to get to second base with Jeff Baker" t-shirt not nearly as fun.
• Not the Jeff Baker who is an empathic healer, medical intuitive, psychic and spiritual medium - which is a shame 'cause maybe he could figure out what's wrong with this offense.
• Gimpy left hand has kept him on the DL most of '09.
• Doesn't have a rat tail like my friend Robbie did from fourth grade to sixth grade.

The for reals:

It seems like Jim's been in the lab trying to build a FrankenDeRo to fix what he may or may not acknowledge as his mistake. Aaron Miles sure wasn't it, and Farney hasn't panned out either. Baker has decent numbers against lefties and plays second base well, which isn't the best news for Fun-Size. (More here.) His numbers at home were much better and since "home" was Coors Field, that's not a shocker. He doesn't 'wow' offensively but I can't help but wonder if he hadn't been on the DL this year if he wouldn't be leading every Cub but D-Lee. Since he was damaged goods, the Cubs should have snagged him from the bargain bin - though this has yet to be determined.

Fuld, Sam Fuld.

September 2007/Spring Training Fav Sam Fuld, doing more in leadoff than we've seen in forrrevvver, with a double. And doing more defense than we've seen in forrrevvver too, with a crazy good outfield assist and an equally good (but not as crazy) sliding catch. And besides the leadoff double, he also had a walk and a single tonight too. Plus you could just fit him in your pocket.

Randy WWWells is making up for lost wins, racking up another one tonight in his seven innings - allowing only one run on six hits. Marm & Gregg finished it up exactly how they should - no hits (except for Marm's one that plunked the batter), no walks and most importantly, NO RUNS.

Home runs from D-Lee & Fuke (also with a double) and a triple from Geo (also with a single) in tonight's four runs - along with MB's two walks, Andy White had one also, Foxy with a hit - while the Riot had a couple tonight too.

And Lou? He's not going to be winning the umpires' favorite manager polls any time soon either, with an well-earned ejection tonight on a shamefully bad call.

Sam Fuld! Tonight was only a mere glimpse at what he has to offer. He can fight, shoot, drink, make love, drive fast cars, ride motorcycles, fly airplanes, helicopters, and even the space shuttle. He can defuse missiles and bombs of all varieties, including nuclear. Throw him out of an airplane without a parachute, he doesn't panic, but calmly surveys his options and then proceeds to survive, as he did at the beginning of Moonraker, by forming his body into an arrow and flying himself into the parachute-wearing villain, wrestling the parachute away, then strapping it on himself and deploying it in time to drift gently and safely down to Earth.

Can I just throw it out there - undefeated in the month of July? (I know it's a little hacky but the way things are going I may only be able to do it tonight.)

If I may direct your peepers to the Rami countdown, you'll see we are officially marked for Monday 7:05 pm. In addition, the highlight of Central Illinois is no longer scary, albeit intricate, corn mazes but instead a weekend sneak peek of "the reluctant savior" as Rami's rehabbing in Peoria. And believe me when I say I'll be there with bells on. (Bells = gratuitous cleavage.)

FAT.

What are you looking at? You've already got your win for the week.

If you had asked me yesterday, "Jen (or Ms. Jen 'cause I got a feeling you're nasty), who is this 'Ohlendorf'?", after careful consideration I would have responded that he was most likely the subject of a Rose Nylund anecdote on an undoubtedly stellar episode of Golden Girls. Turns out, not only does he have a surname worthy of St. Olaf's mayor/cow midwife (or alternatively, a fabled bridge troll or a new dish at Taste of Chicago) - he's a Major League pitcher whom we had never faced, and apparently he is the reincarnation of Cy Young (who the eff isn't against this offense?) in what was SERIOUSLY the best start of his career - or more accurately, one of the saddest outings of our offense this year AND THAT'S SAYING A LOT.

Ted Lilly had never lost to the Pirates - until tonight, after he dared to give up two earned runs and another on his own error - and after his quality start was reciprocated with a big fat pile of nothing from the offense (and defense too).

Oh! And did you hear that the majority of MLB players find Lou to be a crotchety old man they'd rather cram in a nursing home than work for? Lou's reaction? "If some of them don't want to play for me, they can stay where they're at. I don't need them." (Old man speak for "GFY.")

Randy Wells's future's so bright - there should be shades involved. If pitchers wore shades. Plus it's a night game.

CUBS...wait for it...wait for it..WIN!

After Sunday's loss to the Sux, I woke up this morning to anxiously read the blogosphere and comfort myself in the bitchings of other Cubs fans. I was crushed to find that the majority were sticking a fork in this season. Absolutely crushed: eyes welling up, lip quivery, knotty throat (though after a similar reaction to a particular Garfield in this morning's funnies, it's possible this reaction could be attributed to some PMS bordering on PMDD). I, though thoroughly disappointed thus far, am not prepared to call it yet. I mean, sure, we're closer to worst than first, the Cubs have yet to compile any sort of dominate streak of wins and with the exception of the rotation, the entire team has looked as effective as a gang of drunken babies. (Wait, where was I going with this?) Oh yeah, it gonna could still happen. (Well it could!) I'm not going to attempt to justify this glimmer of hope by pointing to the loss column, listing recent teams that have overcome a higher deficit on their journey to the playoffs or continuing to drill in the oh-my-God-underperforming-doesn’t-even-describe-it aspect of this offense. Instead, I'm holding all cheers/jeers/moans/groans (and my breath) until the All-Star break, at which time we will have faced three teams in our division and it should be more obvious if we're nearing first…or worst.

Cautious optimism aside, while they didn’t necessarily kick ass nor take names, a win is a win - even if it's against the Pirates. I had to watch the Pirates' feed of this game, which wasn’t entirely bad as they are definitely not stingy with the camera shots on former Pirate (see, sometimes Jim Hendry does good things!) Rami. The same Rami, by the way, who is reportedly set to embark on a 4-5 day rehab assignment! (Fret not, the Rami countdown will be updated when official word is received.)

As we all know, runs have been as hard to find as…Hope? Wins? Jim Hendry's brain? A sober driver in the Cardinals Clubhouse? Prince Fielder's waistline? But the Cubs supplied just over the minimum required with a home run from the Riot, an RBI single from Andy White and an RBI double from MB. (I'll take it!)

He pitches! He almost hits! He smirks! Rich notched his fifth win tonight, making the three runs enough as he struck out nine, only walked one and allowed only one earned run. Thankfully, the Marm held onto this one for him and Gloggles got his 13th save on the year.

Teddy drowns the 'Rats

Is it just me or is David Patton starting to get a tan?

Excuse me for looking at the bright (or more accurately, less bright red) side of things. Oh and this - interleague play is over! I hope this isn't the last time we have to face an American League team this season (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)…which I guess it won't be since we still have to make up a game against the Sux in September. (Leave it to them to completely blow my wildly optimistic and/or insane insinuation that the Cubs will be in the World Series. Have I mentioned that I hate the White Sox?) Anyway, on with the misery.

I'd say this game got ugly, but that's a little redundant at U.S. Cellular. (Seriously, their fans hurt my eyes.) However, this isn't about which team's fans have been smacked in the face with an ugly stick (hey…is that why they're missing teeth?) but rather which team has been smacked in the face with a suck stick. I'm gonna go with the guys that mustered up four hits, left seven on base and got shut out by a fellow sub .500 team. The good news is the Cards and the Brewers both lost. Doesn't it seem like when they lose, we lose? (And when they win, we lose?) Oh well - we really need to stop concerning ourselves with what anyone else in this division does, as the Cubs are now two games under .500 and I'm struggling to find a member of this organization that shouldn’t be deeply ashamed of himself.

Rich Harden shivers the Pirates timbers.

Ouch.

Just - and I mean JUST - as rumors were circulating that the Cubs were in talks to reacquire DeRo, it's announced that he is now - PREPARE YOURSELF…no, for real, prepare yourself - I'm serious, take a seat, swallow some antacids (maybe some rat poison)…a Cardinal. Not only do those holes upgrade their team offensively, but they do it while ripping out our hearts. It's a neat trick. At least we have Aaron Miles, right? He's got to be good for at least half of a ritual sacrifice.

And on the night that we lost to the White Sox, while the Brewers and Cardinals both won. I don't have testicles/nuts/balls/family jewels/nads/cojones/bollucks/stones/Charlie Browns but I bet this is what it feels like to be kicked in them.

The password is..."bullpen"

Let's all play PASSWORD!

I say: "rancid". You say: "meat"?
I say: "blow". You say: "job"?
I say: "worthless". You exclaim: "Cubs bullpen"!

After the offense was yo-yoing the entire game - coming up with clutch hit after clutch hit for the first time this season (or at least since Rami went down), the Little 'Pen of Horrors combined to give up three runs in their four innings - the most tragic being from the ninth inning walkoff hit off [Whoop] AssCanio courtesy of a rookie that hits .188. (I guess it's probably higher now, huh?)

While the pitching isn’t really worth writing about (except for Sean Marshall, who is the only guy in the bullpen that hasn’t received a death threat this week), lost in the…um, loss is the offense. Fonzy was 2-4, with a walk, scored two runs and hit two ribbies in. The Riot nearly matched it, also 2-4 with a walk and two ribbies. Andy White was 2-4 too! D-Lee had a timely hit with two ribbies, MB and Fuke each had a hit…and while Farney reached on an error, he scored a run in some amazing, suck-it-Ozzie kind of way.

The heat of the Cell Hell is nothing against the heat of the Big Z.

This ain't last year

…but that's not always a bad thing, as last year we were swept when we visited the house (trailer) of the White Sox.

Also last year, on this date we were high on (cue Geo) our first place throne in the MLB with a winning percentage of .620 as we looked down on the peons of the NL Central (and the rest of the league). This morning's standings had us a game under .500, rocking fourth place - which is where the Pirates were at this time last year, just to put it into a gut-wrenching perspective. But, as if the consistent sucking (and blog title) wasn’t proof enough, this ain't last year. Not just for us, either - St. Louis and Milwaukee are worse off this year too…sucking is contagious. (So is herpes - just sayin'.) Soooo, maybe - just maybe - if our club of overpaid/spoiled/underperforming/gimpy/stoned/crazy players can string together a couple of wins like today we can march (hobble?) into the second half, clinch the division and enter the playoffs as the underdog - where anything but a sweep will probably feel victorious.

I guess that probably wasn’t the inspiring introduction to celebrate a win, however, this year has been a Christmas-morning-in-Whoville kind of disappointment. But my point is this, while we may not be first in the Majors or even above .500, we have escaped a South Side sweep, so that's something. Now onto the game.

Randy Wells was wells above average (I'll be here all night, folks…obviously) for his second win (look out, David Patton). Sean Marshall was 79 inches of pure heaven as he saved the game from another Marmful outing and Gloggles got the save. The offense was fueled by two home runs of the bat of Foxy and our very own Midnight Toker (last one, I swear). D-Lee restarted his hit streak with a single today and Andy White had a ground rule double.

Foxy was 3-4 on the day, just short of a triple for the cycle. (I would like someone to explain to me how this boy's ever gonna get that triple.) Also, he doesn’t smell like bong water. (And I'm done - for reals.)

Oh! And MB's at it again. (What's "it"? I'll give you a hint: he's not injured, he's not hitting and/or getting on base.)

Wind or not, Sox'll be limp against Demp.

Swept.

The most amazing thing about today:

a) Jake Fox first career homer & going 3-4 in the game as the DH
b) A hit with a runner in scoring position
c) Ted
d) Loss
e) D-Lee breaks his hitting streak
f) Geo's WBC failed drug test for a performance decreaser

The correct answer, dear friend, is "B". (I know you thought I was going to go with "Ted" but it was a tricksie question - Ted will always find one way or another to amaze, though I'd prefer it not be with mediocrity.) Jake Fox was built to either be a slugger or a lumberjack so that's no revelation either. And a "loss" is pretty much our thing now. But prior to this game (and probably still after) the Cubs were last in the Majors with RISP. THE MAJORS. That includes not only the Nationals, but the Indians and the A's. (To be fair, I'm not certain the Nats ever get a runner in scoring position but I'm not about to throw stones from our glass clubhouse.) And D-Lee's hitting streak was sure to come to an end, as each day the media drilled it into his head more and more until he inevitably cracked. As for Geo, well…it was pretty obvious when he showed up to spring training glassy-eyed, fat and giggling every time Lou said "balls" that he didn't spend his offseason in the gym as much as he did on a couch in his parents' garage watching Dazed & Confused while downing Yodels & Tato Skins. (Coincidentally, Geo's favorite thing about being a Major League baseball player isn't the enormous salary or playing a game for a living - but rather the fact that while he still gets older, the female fans stay the same age.)

Randy Wells & the Cubs put the "win" in their Windy City against...the squatters from the South Side.

Sorry, folks. Park's closed. Moose out front should have told you.

I thought the whole point of the designated hitter was "extra offense" - because American League fans lack the intelligence to appreciate the strategic game of baseball so they violated the sacred game rules, turned it into a circus and replaced the pitcher with an automaton for the sole purpose of generating more high-scoring ballgames to keep their fans from gnawing on their own hair and crawling on the floor of the bleachers for spare change. Maybe it works in theory but our three runs were hardly a day at the amusement park - unless it's the worst rollercoaster ride EVER.

 Runners on (!!!)...Nope.  
 Runners on (!!!)...Nope.  
 Runners on (!!!)...Nope.  
 Home run!  
 Bases loaded (!!!)...Nope.  
 Bases loaded (!!!)...One run (barely).  
 Bases loaded (!!!)...One run (barely).  
 Runners on (!!!)...Game over. 

We watch his program their games...We buy his toys their jerseys...We go to his movies their park...he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? Fuckin' A right he owes us!

I'm thankful for two things: one, we narrowly escaped a triple play and subsequently having to relive this suckfest on highlight reels for the next week. Two, D-Lee is still rocking - he continued his 21 game hitting streak and found himself on base four (4!) times. And we're hitting - Fonzy, Geo and the Riot all had two hits. Unfortunately (sorry, this couldn’t stay positive for long) the power is seriously depleted. (Hey! Just like our faith in their abilities!) Out of tonight's 11 hits, only two were extra bases - and those were both from Geo. And if they can't muster up muscle, you'd at least hope for timeliness - but you'd be sorely disappointed.

Last night Gloggles cost the Cubs two runs and the game with a blown save. Tonight Geo cost the Cubs two runs and the game with an error. (I imagine his solo home run earlier in the evening will save him from the virtual lynching that Kevin Gregg received though.) Maybe tomorrow the Cubs can contribute a couple to our side.

Neither rain, nor shine, nor an abundance of Tiger statues can stop Ted from rocking Detroit

Oh, snap

Welllllllll…do you want the good news or the bad news kick in the Charlie Browns? The good: D-Lee was 2-3 with a walk, Geo hit a sac fly (a feat that has escaped most of the roster this season), MB took two free passes and Hoffy - DH extraordinaire - hit a go-ahead two run homer in the eighth. Woohoo! How could this possibly fail?

Now the assy: The Cubs had the bases loaded in the first inning but barely got one run out of it, the bottom of the order continued to look as threatening as a box of kittens and OH YEAH, Kevin Gregg (AKA Gloggles AKA Greggers AKA Clark-Kent-looking-Mofo AKA Satan) did his best Woody impression (too soon?) and blew the save, the game and the night. Is it time for more fan mail?

I got nothin' else to say on this one.

Rich Harden shines against the Tigers's rookie

Heaven isn't too far away

Reports are that Rami is to begin a hardcore thrust (stay with me ladies) into batting practice and that we're at the reaching the end of his DL stint. Lou projected a return date of "the early part of July". Normally when a member of the 60+ crowd says "early" it's a ridiculously narrow meaning of the word, as evidenced by "the early bird dinner" at four o'clock in the afternoon, "an early matinee" at eleven o'clock in the morning or "the mall opens early for walking" before the crack of dawn. Even so, I'm taking his "early" liberally and going with the aforementioned July 10th date until a more definitive and hopefully "earlier" date is released. So it is without further ado (as any more of the "hardcore thrust" and I'll have to ado myself) that I unveil the Return of Rami countdown ticker with 16 days* until No. 16 returns. (See: lower right.)

*Despite the neato synergy of that whole 16/16 thing, the date will probably change. Didn't you listen at all after "hardcore thrust"?

You just know we would have won this if we'd played on its original date

The Cardinals lost! The Cardinals lost! Suck it, Birds! (What's that? The Cubs...oh. This is awkward.)

Watching Ryan Dempster at times this season hasn't been entirely unlike watching the late Jason Marquis (it should be noted that Jason isn't as much deceased as he is tied for first in NL wins now that he's on the Rockies which frankly, is a tough pill to swallow): not overly dominating, usually one bad inning can break the game, doesn't seem worthy of his inflated salary…but come on, Demp gave up two runs tonight in 6+ innings - is it asking that much for a little run support? (Yes. Yes it is. Quit begging, it's unseemly.) It should be noted that the Cubs did in fact hit - ten times - double digits and all. In fact, all the starters had a hit except for Fuke - and he took two walks. So…what the eff, Cubs?

On a let's-point-out-a-useless-detail-of-a-boring-loss note, Foxy Jake can apparently run like a…fox. (They're fast animals, right? Probably.) He beat out a routine grounder in the seventh inning - but don’t bother getting excited, the Cubs didn’t capitalize on it. (Indeed, foxes are "swift, agile runners". And really cute.)

Meh!

Making Detroit Waves

That's Wells with a W.

Well, color me disappointed on this one. No walkoff win? Just nine innings? But maybe something just as wow-ing - Randy Wells finally got a win! Without resorting to bribery, coercion or brute force. (Well, not that I know of. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had.) Turns out, a little run support and a near-shutout generally results in this. Who knew? (Besides everyone not wearing a Cubs jersey.)


A sweep! A real one, three games and all! I have to wonder if this isn't the match that finally lights an Indians' fire sale and results in DeRo sporting a new uni? (Preferably not in red.)


So here's your current Chicago Cubs: 34 wins, third place and actually with the same amount of losses as currently first place St. Lousy, one less loss (!) than Schmilwaukee and three less losses (say that three times fast) than Cincinnasty. All those rain postponements may have actually been a blessing since it appears we'll get to make them up as a completely different team than we were on their original dates. (Read: We don’t suck now.)


Included in that not-sucking is Geo - who hit another home run today, Foxy Jake, the Riot & MB all with doubles…and really everyone - all the starters had at least one hit or took a walk.





Randy Wells! He earned his first win (actually he's earned about six wins). And he even had a hit and scored a run on the day.

Cubs take their hot streak down south for a makeup win.

Well now they're just being showoffs

Another "quality start" from Ted Lilly - hereafter known as just "a Ted" - and another "home run" from Derrek Lee - hereafter known as just "a D-Lee" - contributed to another "walkoff win" - hereafter known as just "a Cubs win". Okay? Okay.

Twelve hits! We received multiples (if only) from D-Lee, Fuke & the Riot, plus a (then) go-ahead pinch hit two-run homer from Hoff-Power! Fuke's fourth hit of the game (13th inning) was key, followed by his stolen base to allow him to score on Andy White's single. Aaron Miles singled (I'm just as surprised as you are) to move Andy to third and set the stage for him to sneak home on a wild pitch. I hate that Woody has now doubled his blown saves but the fact that he's done it against us really does show where his heart is. (I know it makes me love him even more.)

With the exception of the Marm walking in the tying run (and subsequently squandering an extra hour and a half of a precious Saturday afternoon), the bullpen - the entire bullpen - held up, until David Patton gave up a home run. Never say die (as in "Die, David Patton!"), the bottom of the 13th heroics got a win for the Cubs and a third win on the season for said home-run-giver-upper. For those of you counting at home that's now three more than Randy Wells.

Apparently the boys are going to keep up the walkoff wins until I pick someone other than D-Lee. (Wait, so why didn't I? This is fun!) Andy White was a heckuva knight today, his single scoring the tying run and the man himself scoring the winning run on the wild pitch.

Can't say that hell won't freeze over but Randy gets a win as the Cubs sweep!

2008 called, it wants its awesome comebacks back

Yesterday I said that the comeback from the Sox was "the best game of the season thus far". Screw yesterday's game. Yesterday's game is dead to me. GFY yesterday's game. Today the Cubs battled back from Mother Nature and a seven-run deficit to win what I am now deeming the best game of the season thus far!!! (Eat it, yesterday's game!)

I'm still reeling from the fact that the Cubs have made plain jane pitchers (as for example, Jor-El Pineiro) look like reigning Cy Young winners, while an actual reigning Cy Young winner? Not so scary. D-Lee continued to be uhhh, let's just go with "my muse" as he hit a home run today, in addition to a double, off that Cy Young winner. And Reeeed? He took Cliff Lee deep too, for his fourth home run of the season. Altogether the Cubs compiled three runs, six hits and three walks against one of the best arms in the AL - so don't you worry your pretty little head about this offense. It seemed a shame that the Cubs had to face Cliff Lee when they finally scrounged up some momentum ("momentum" = scoring 1+ runs), and on the same day Rich gives up the most earned runs we Cubs fans have seen since he strapped on his big blue jock.

But who cares about the first seven innings? HOW ABOUT that post-Lee rally? I'm pretty jazzed for the Andy White Fan Club after their inspiration singled home MB and Geo. Then, Almost-3-Fingers Koyie singled home Reeeeed before Andy White hurried home off a Fonzy single to make the comeback a reality. And ANOTHER D-Lee homer tied the game. A Fonzy walk, followed by a Fonzy stolen base (are you feeling the Fonzy love yet!?!) led up to Fonzy scoring the winning run off a Riot single. And Gloggles? Well he now has two more wins that Randy Wells. (It's okay, you can chuckle.) GO CUBS GO.

Bittersweet return for DeRo and Woody. (Well bitter for them, sweet for us.) On another note, DeRo's still quite the looker. (Pause for audience gentle sobbing.) And I'm sure it wasn’t the return he wanted (or did he??? I recall him vowing to "always be a Cub") but the prodigal son has indeed returned. (Pause for audience uncontrollable weeping.) Seriously - I was sobbing like a little uh, boy during Woody's pregame extravaganza interviews. I can't wait to see what Jim Hendry has in store for us this offseason but I have a feeling it involves kicking a puppy and stealing Christmas.

Lots of tasty choices tonight but I gotta go again with the 3-5ing D-Lee and his two home runs, including the game-tier. Now if you'll excuse me…I have to go "sing".

Windy! That's why all those panties are flying on the field, right? (Another day of Indian eye candy and the always yummy Lilly Bar on the mound.)

Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.

A mere five hours ago, logic would have told you that the Cubs lineup needs a shakeup…but logic is the propaganda spewed out by a overly tranquil pointy-eared Vulcan who knows nothing about baseball so screw it, we're just gonna keep churning out the same chuckleheads until they do something, oh I don’t know, SPECTACULAR? "Spectacular" will be defined today as what I am deeming the best game of the season thus far, coming back from a four run deficit to defeat the crosstown foes and avoid a sweep. We all know that "sweep" would have been cheap anyway but the White Sox are a cheap kind of team so that would have been right up their alley. (Undoubtedly a seedy alley you should avoid at night.)

Let me set the stage for you. Big Z pitched great but was on the hook for a loss in yet another quality start by a Cubs pitcher. (Broken record much?) The offense had barely churned out one run. (Still that record, huh?) The Marm put the win even further out of reach. (Maybe you should change that record.) That is until the eighth when an error puts Hoffy on and a Fonzy single sets the table for a D-LEE THREE-RUN HOMER! (Already, I'm pretty sure this is more runs than we've seen in the month of June.) Still down a run, A SOLO GEO HOME RUN follows up to tie the game. (I like this record, this record is the one!) Greggers (I totally forgot how dreamy he was, what with it being five days since his last appearance) got his first win of the season, keeping the White Sox from any ninth inning runs. And who else but Reeeeed would hit a leadoff single in the bottom of the ninth? An Andy White sac bunt moved him over and another Fonzy single (two in one game???) scored Reeeeed for a much, much, much, much needed win.

D-Lee has been an unsung hero for quite a while (also unsung for quite awhile - Go Cubs Go) but his four ribbies today (including the three-run jack!!!) can give a girl something to sing about. (And by "sing", I pretty much mean masturbate.)

Hot, hot, hot! Rich & the Cubs take on DeRo, Woody and Grady Sizemore. (Maybe there can be some sort of mud pit involved…)

Loss to the Sox, under .500...goodbye cruel world!

Ah, the Crosstown Classic. The only time of year I really have to deal with the White Sox. That is one benefit to being a downstater. We might not have the luxuries of the big city folks like public transportation and Trader Joe's (Where the eff am I supposed to get Pirate's Booty?) but we are fortunate enough to only have to endure White Sox fans when the six o'clock news has a meth house bust or a shooting at the trailer park (and even then you're going to have to split the diff with Cardinals fans). Fret not though, I feel I can still bring you a staunch level of hatred for this series. Highlights so far include that same old schtick (Ozzie still hates Wrigley Field???? Ohmigod! Let's all get really upset and shake our fists at the starved-for-attention man-child.) and that same old shit (the Cubs...I laughingly use the word "offense").

Twice we had two runners on with no outs and…well, you know. Demp wasn’t all that great (again, still a quality start) but with all that the offense did (hint: nothing), it really wouldn’t matter if we'd put a pitching machine out there. If the Cubs are to get back into the good graces of their fans, annihilating (or you know, at least competing with) the White Sox in the first meeting of the year would have been the place to start.  They didn't and this little act is getting tired.  

Partly rowdy with a chance of fun as Big Z gets his start.

THREE runs? Is it Christmas?

Cubs win! Cubs win! Wait…Cubs win? Ted was as Ted as a Ted can be in this game, allowed two runs in nearly eight innings and no free passes. It's a shame he didn't get the win but it's been hard enough to get a team win so let's not look a gift horse in the chompers. The Marm allowed no further runs and was the recipient of the win, though his appearance was not entirely without panic.

The offense got it done. Woohoo. (What? I'm supposed to swoon? I'm still mad at them and they can't buy me off with a shiny three runs. I can't get over the sad truth that if they could have mustered up a sacrifice fly a few times this season, we'd be leading the division. And if they could manage to hit with any sort of timeliness, we'd have a Dodgers-sized lead in the NL Central. Instead, an innocent man gets fired and we're at .500, 2.5 games back. Sooo, way to barely do your job. Yeah that's right. That's all they get. There's gonna be no "Geo doubles his pleasure, twice!" or "D-Lee-ightful!" or "Riot riots for a win!" or even "MB sans beard - yummy!". I'm serious… That's it… …okay, okay, all those things. But still mad.)

Decisions, decisions. Ryan Theriot, I love a walkoff win as much as the next girl but come on, Ted's got to get something for his awesome pitching - and his first base audition clip for that football reality show Michael Irvin ripped off. (I nearly jokingly suggested A.J. Pierzynski (jokingly!) for winning the game against the Blew Crew but it just felt so dirty. So dirty.)

That stench in the air that can mean only one thing…the White Sox are coming over.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(That's the sound of me sighing, dramatically.)

Despite two earned runs, Rich's return did not disappoint - nine strikeouts in his six innings - and I swear on all that is Cubly, he would have had a home run in the fifth if the wind hadn’t been blowing in. The bullpen was even better, Ascanio, Marshall & Greggers each with a scoreless inning. But again - it's not about the pitching, is it? I was told (based on the pitching matchups) that there was no way the Cubs wouldn’t sweep this series. Obviously this person is either a compulsive liar or hasn’t had a chance to see the Cubs "offense" this year. Just so we're clear, this Twins team started out the series 9-20 on the road. Their three pitchers for this series combined for an ERA around 5.00. And their team was below .500 (Hey! Just like us now! It's like we're…twins!). The Cubs SHOULD be going for a sweep tomorrow, except their offense is akin to something I just scooped out of Wrigley's litterbox, so now we're facing being swept, once again.

Rich's return meant that somebody had to be sent down and BOBBY SCALES! was once again ripped away from our heaving, comforting bosom. I guess the Cubs felt they didn’t have room for a guy whose average is .241 - you know, the seventh highest on the team. (That's not an "I love BOBBY SCALES!" dig but rather "WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS OFFENSE?")

The sun shines…no wait, that's just Ted.